From Dreams Collapsing to New Self Realizations
Most of us either take ourselves to seriously or not seriously enough at some point in our lives. In my life I have also been guilty of the both these situations. From growing up in poverty to challenging myself to join the military and attempt to find my circle of safety, a brother-ship where I could grow as a man. To the eventual realization that what I had joined was not what I was told it was going to be. My dreams collapsed for the first time.
The next chapter
After marrying and two deployments later I decided to try my luck in the normal world, the one without so much structure and certainty. I decided to take a chance at being what I “knew” I was meant to be, a physicist. My family and I picked up and moved to my wife’s hometown which had a college that offered physics as a major.
Months go by, I’m getting more and more excited to start my actual major courses after I complete my refresher courses in math and writing. I’m realizing math is still as hard as I remember.
My second semester comes and I’m finally there, taking my first physics courses, hoping I’ll be surrounded by like minded nerds like myself, only to be reminded that between the pandemic ,my inability to loosen up socially , and my lack of balance in this new life that I’m still a loner.
Dreams collapse
My wife and I are lightly arguing, she’s complaining that I’m doing nothing but complaining about my college experience thus far. I argue back stating that it’s not my fault, the pandemic.. the kids.. my issues.
… she’s right.
Self realization
I take a step back the coming weeks and do some real self reflection. I begin to think about when the last time I was truly passionate and in the zone about something.
I think back to an elective I took, philosophy 101. I remember coming home to my wife that day, after contemplating a question we had in philosophy for several hours after the class. I remember her being sick and tired of hearing me babble on about the intricacies of the discussion, but still letting me babble for my sake. As my ideas build without control leading me to explode with passion if not.
I couldn’t think of one time that I had that kind of passion about a physics class since I started college.
Being honest with yourself
I switched my major to philosophy after a week of research, contemplation, self reflection, and the objective and honest opinion of my wife, my partner.
For so long in my life I had convinced myself I was who I was. For the sake of my ego, my pride, and my idea of who I thought I was SUPPOSED to be in order to feel good about myself. I had not taken the time to learn who I was and where my strengths and passions truly were.
I enjoy passionate conversations about the complexities of consciousness, technology, spirituality, psychedelics and their use, politics, and the importance of family. I could go on for hours about these abstract ideas but I couldn’t be paid to talk about football or the normal things.
All along my passion and strengths stood their yelling at me. It wasn’t until my number one fan, my teammate, my wife gave me some cold hard realization that it was ok to be me.
Advice
No one can tell you what will make you happy but sometimes when someone tells you aren’t happy in your life, maybe listen. Sometimes I think as people, we get caught up with what we’ve been told is the right path and forget that sometimes it’s fun to get lost. You cannot expect to find your own story if you are always trying to find yourself in someone else’s.
In my family there is a saying, “ Audentes fortuna juvat”. It means Fortune Favors The Bold. Be bold, be brave, be yourself, and find your own way by getting out of your way.
Sometimes your greatest strengths are hidden by your fear of being who you didn’t expect yourself to be.
